Archive for May 5th, 2010
Psychology Today & The Huffington Post
Irene Levine interviewed us for her blog Friendship by the Book, appearing online at Psychology Today and The Huffington Post!
Becoming an older mother is never easy—physically or emotionally—especially if there’s no logical father-to-be on the horizon. Three Wishes: A True Story of Good Friends, Crushing Heartbreak, and Astonishing Luck on Our Way to Love and Motherhood (Little Brown, 2010) is an incredibly wise, witty and powerful memoir written by three brave and accomplished women who had the desire to be mothers—each one, on her own terms.
On their shared journey to becoming mothers, they forged an incredible sisterhood that speaks to the importance of friendship in women’s lives and shows how empowering friends can be.
May I briefly introduce you to the authors—my new BFFs—Carey Goldberg, Beth Jones and Pam Ferdinand?
How old were you when you gave birth for the first time?—-And what lessons have you learned as an older mother?
PAM
I was 41 when I gave birth to Emma, and I’m still learning the lessons of being an older mother. So far, I have found the downsides are that I definitely don’t have the energy I once had in my 20s and 30s, and that my daughter will not know her great-grandparents, as I did. Nor will she likely have an extended amount of time with her grandparents and Mark and I (though we hope to stick around for a long while.) The upside is that I fully lived and worked, understand myself more now than I did as a young woman, and am having a new wonderful adventure at an unexpected stage of life. I don’t take anything about motherhood or my daughter, or my relationship with Mark, for granted.
CAREY
I was 41 when I had Liliana and 43 when I had Tully. I second all that Pam said: I feel tremendously lucky that I had the chance to fulfill my career dreams, which involved extensive travel and sometimes 24/7 work, before having a child. And I feel tremendously lucky to have my children and husband. My only regret is that, now that I know what being a mother is like, I risked missing it by waiting so long. If I had it to do over again, I would start trying earlier. Also, this is a little strange, but as a mother well into middle age, I’m deeply aware of my own mortality, and that helps keep me focused on how I most want to spend my time: with my children. I still work, but I’m far less likely to worship what one friend calls The Bitch Goddess of Success.
BETH
I was 41when my son was born and all the cliches are true: I’m more tired, I have less time to take care of myself, I fear that I’ll be gone before I could be a grandmother (and my body’s never been the same). But, as with Pam and Carey, I lived a life before I had my son, and I’m comfortable with who I am. I have friends who had children in their 20′s or younger, and they’re trying to figure themselves out now, in their 40′s and 50′s. I feel like I might move slower than twenty years ago (I’m certain), but I’m more patient, and I’m far more settled, literally and figuratively, than I would’ve been if I’d had children during my first marriage or earlier. I’m very okay with how it all turned out, and for me, that’s a lesson, too.
What effect have your friendships had on your desire to become a mother?
CAREY
I like to think that I served as a kind of single-mother mentor for Beth and Pam, and a single-mother friend of mine named Sally had filled that role for me earlier on. It is a huge decision to become a single mother, and it helped enormously to be allowed in to the life of a woman who had already made that decision, a woman whom I deeply admired. She showed me that it was possible, and though demanding, deeply wonderful.
PAM
I always wanted to have a child. But Beth and Carey encouraged me to become a mother before it was too late and showed me it was possible even if our lives had not gone according to plan. I could see their joy as mothers, and we wanted love and happiness for each other as much as we wanted it for ourselves.
BETH
It’s easier to do anything – hang-glide, ice climb, have a child alone – if you’ve seen someone else do it first, and seen them thrive (or merely survive, when necessary). I met Carey when her daughter was a baby, and I have many friends and family who are single mothers. I believed I could be a good mother, even if I had to go it alone. Carey was not only doing it successfully but she had the vials to make it possible for me, and offering them was a huge gift for a new friendship. Pam had introduced me to Carey, and she was on the same road as me. Knowing you’re not alone is extremely powerful. I didn’t end up as a single mother, but having friends who encouraged me in the direction of motherhood, by whatever means necessary, was a greatmotivation.
What effect has marriage and motherhood had on your close friendships?
BETH
Fortunately, second-time-around, I married a man who my friends like. Still, with a family, especially with a young child (my son is five) scheduling my life is harder, and being spontaneous – which I loved – is mostly out the window. No more driving off into the sunset alone or with a girlfriend. But my friends have always been, and will always be, an intrinsic and core part of who I am. Phil understands that, and isn’t jealous of my friends and the time I spend with them (or at least I don’t think he is). Motherhood has made me less available on a moment’s notice, but even my single friends have confirmed that I haven’t been lost to them, that I remain the same person I was for the majority of my life.
PAM
Time, of course, impacts all aspects of my life these days, including my relationships. But I try very hard to sustain close friendships from throughout my life, and not all of my close friends are married and/or mothers. (I am not married!)
With some of my women friends, marriage and/or motherhood are not and never were among the primary bonds we share; for a few, it’s a source of discomfort or pain because they are still hoping to have one or both of those things, and it’s been important for us to communicate openly and honestly about that. Others desire neither marriage or motherhood. And for the close women in my life who are/were married and/or mothers, it’s added a new dimension to our friendships in terms of sharing experiences, understanding each other’s lives, and spending time together as moms and women in committed relationships.
CAREY
I’ve found that marriage mixes just fine with friendships; motherhood, however, is another matter! It is just so incredibly difficult to find the long blocks of time for talking and adventuring that helped build the basis for my close friendships in the before-children years. We can share outings that include the children, but then the children tend to make conversation difficult. My friendships have survived motherhood, and in some cases — as I’ve found with Beth and Pam — our mothering experiences, the anxieties and the joys, have even deepened the friendships. I’ve also found some new friends in the parents of my children’s friends. But overall? I’d have to say motherhood is a challenge that friendship must overcome.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS:
Carey Goldberg has been the Boston bureau chief of the New York Times, Moscow correspondent for the Los Angeles Times, and most recently a health and science reporter at the Boston Globe. She now writes happily at home.
Beth Jones is a freelance writer and educator who has contributed to the Boston Globe, the New York Times, and numerous academic journals. She plans to climb many more frozen waterfalls.
Pamela Ferdinand is an award-winning freelance journalist and former reporter for the Washington Post, Boston Globe, and Miami Herald. She remains an incorrigible romantic.
BOOK GIVEAWAY
If you would like to know more about the authors and their wishes, send your email address to me at Irene@TheFriendshipBlog or post it in the comment section below. Put THREE WISHES in the subject line by COB Mother’s Day, May 9 (that must be midnight on Mother’s Day!) and we’ll randomly pick one person to win a copy of this impossible-to-put-down book!
Friendship by the Book is an occasional series of posts on The Friendship Blog about books that offer friendship lessons.
WGBH with Emily Rooney
We appeared on Emily Rooney’s show Greater Boston today to discuss our book and single motherhood. You can view the broadcast at:
http://www.wgbh.org/programs/programdetail.cfm?programid=11
And thanks to everyone who made it to our Brookline Booksmith reading (and to all previous readings). It was a great crowd and tremendous fun!
What’s Tradition Worth to You?
Author and fellow Chicagoan Robyn Okrant (“Living Oprah”) spoke to me recently about marriage, non-marriage, and community today for her blog ready, set … wife! It’s a wonderful site, co-written with her friend Cathleen Carr, examining what it means to be a wife in 2010. What does it mean to be a wife in 2010? I wouldn’t know!
Here’s her delicious piece on our conversation:
I recently sat down to chat with my friend, Pamela Ferdinand, who is co-author of the book,Three Wishes: Our True Story of Good Friends, Crushing Heartbreak, and Astonishing Luck on Our Way to Love and Motherhood. Pam and I first met in New York at our mutual publisher’s offices last year and we hit it off right away. I was really fascinated to hear her thoughts on marriage as the story of her household could be filed under the “non-traditional” category. She very kindly came to my new place for a cup of tea and she pretended she didn’t see the 1/4″ of construction dust that sits on every surface in my living room.
I don’t want to give away too much of her fabulous book, but I can let this cat out of the bag: Pam decided she wanted to be a mom regardless of her marital status. She was hearing her biological clock ticking away and hadn’t yet met Mr. Right. I know many women in this position these days. Single, but with such a driving desire to be a mother, they are willing to go it alone. In the old days (and by “old days” I mean 20 years ago when I was starting college), single motherhood was a bit scandalous. Now it’s a widely accepted lifestyle choice. Many women in my own social circle are going this route these days. Either adopting or going to fertility clinics (or, in one case, a willing and virile male friend) to have children without the support of a spouse. Pam decided to use donor sperm but didn’t make use out of it, because the moment the little swimmers came into her ownership, she met the man who became the father of her beautiful daughter, and her life partner.
Pam bucked tradition by creating a family in the “wrong” order: first the career, then the kid, then the man. And she didn’t even marry the guy! And this is what fascinates me: her relationship with her significant other, Mark. She calls him her husband, although they aren’t married. She wears a ring, even though they aren’t legal. They share a bank account, a home, and most importantly, a child. She doesn’t see any need to make things legal to solidify her relationship. Pam said, “Traditional insinuates ‘better’ and I don’t buy that.” Pam has proof. Her more traditional parents got divorced after 25 years of marriage.
I was surprised to hear she never felt pressured to marry after she and Mark had their daughter. I kept expecting her to regale me with tales of judgmental relatives or neighbors. But, no. Pam has surrounded herself with a circle of people who are open-minded and supportive. In fact, she said the only reason at all they might have a wedding is to commit her love to Mark in front of her community. She told me, “I like the idea of standing up before your community and having them support your relationship.” Pam used that word a lot: Community. Cathleen and I talk a lot about the ‘village’ that helps a marriage thrive. We don’t have the same insular, private households that past generations of our families had. It seems we’re not alone.
I think what is most important about Pam and her co-authors Carey Goldberg and Beth Jones, is that they didn’t feel constrained by (or depend on) the traditional path designed for women. They found happiness, they built their families, they designed their lives, in a really inspiring way. “We decided what we really wanted and we tried to get it.” Pam said with friendly confidence.
Pam doesn’t judge anyone’s choice when it comes to marriage. What matters is love, not a piece of paper.” She said, “The way people treat each other – our relationships – are the key to make the world a better place. Just by having a nurturing and happy relationship makes the world a better place.”
Links to Interviews….
Here are some links to our live television appearances, radio and blog interviews, and video tapings:
Today Show: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/#36686214
iVillage: http://www.ivillage.com/three-wishes-carey-goldberg-pamela-ferdinand-beth-jones/153264
The Takeaway with John Hockenberry: http://www.thetakeaway.org/2010/apr/26/three-wishes-and-back-plan/
WGN TV Midday Show: http://www.wgntv.com/news/middaynews/wgntv-author-three-wishes,0,2964553.story
WGBH Greater Boston: http://www.wgbh.org/greater_boston/index.cfm
INSPIREme Chicago: http://www.inspiremechicago.com/2010/04/three-wishes.html
Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/irene-s-levine/friendship-by-the-book_b_564197.html
Psychology Today: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201005/friendship-the-book-three-wishes-true-story-good-friends
Word of Mouth – New Hampshire Public Radio: http://www.nhpr.org/node/32323
Blog Talk Radio: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/littlebrown/2010/05/06/interview-w-authors-of-three-wishes
Double X blog on Slate.com
Published on Double X (http://www.doublex.com)
What Hollywood Gets Wrong About Sperm Donors
By Pamela Ferdinand, the author of Three Wishes: A True Story of Good Friends, Crushing Heartbreak, and Astonishing Luck on Our Way to Love and Motherhood, responds to the J. Lo movie The Back-up Plan and other Hollywood portrayals of women who choose sperm donors.
Posted: April 22, 2010 at 2:34 PM
When my co-authors and I wrote our memoir about the astonishing things that happened after we decided to become fortysomething single mothers with anonymous donor sperm, everyone told us we should call it “The Lucky Sperm.” We didn’t. We figured, who wants to sit on the subway with the word “sperm” on their book cover?
Well, maybe not last year. But this year, donor sperm is all the rage. Three romantic comedies are on deck featuring A-list stars as women who have taken motherhood into their own hands: The Switch, with Jennifer Aniston, based on Jeffrey Eugenides’ somber short story for The New Yorker [2];The Back-up Plan, with Jennifer Lopez; and The Kids Are All Right, starring Julianne Moore and Annette Bening.
I should be thrilled. As a first-time author, this could be merchandising magic, right? Wrong. I can’t help but be annoyed and at times infuriated by movies that could portray the true grit and modern independence of women choosing to have children on their own. And don’t.
Jennifer Aniston’s sperm donor falls in love with her (in the short story, the sperm donor is a married friend), and the drunken best friend who secretly substitutes his own sperm for the donor’s falls for the child years later. The same day Jennifer Lopez is inseminated, she meets Stan, the man of her dreams, and their Ricky Ricardo/Lucille Ball courtship antics carry them together through the pregnancy. And even in an award-winning film about a lesbian couple inseminated by the same donor, the children track down their biological father—and one of the women gets involved with him. Seriously?
Social consciousness is a hard sell in Hollywood. There has to be a Prince Charming and a Cinderella. And while that would be nice, it’s not reality. Births by unmarried have reached an all-time high of 40 percent of the total, and women over 40 are more likely than ever to be first-time mothers. Finding the love of your life when you decide to go it alone is not a common trajectory for most of us. Nor do women who opt for single motherhood later in life—or have it imposed upon them—suddenly find Mr. Right and Mr. Ready-To-Be-A-Dad rolled into one on the way to the fertility clinic.
For me to criticize these films is a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. Soon after I committed to having a child on my own (I even had vials of donor sperm ready), I met and fell in love with a man who would become the father. But I know that my experience is the exception, not the rule.
I was prepared to be a single mother, and I would appreciate a good film with talented actresses that didn’t suggest I was a failure if I did become one. Who says you have to get the man (or woman) in the end to be happy if you’ve decided that having a child is where your fulfillment lies? Being a strong woman and being a mother who makes liberated choices in the 21st century should be enough of a story to tell—on the big screen, on the small screen, and in real life.
Our 15 minutes…and slightly more?
The whirlwind begins with an appearance on The Today Show this Wednesday, April 21, sometime between 8 and 9 a.m. (wherever you live, that’s all time zones).
The next day, the 22nd, we are doing a satellite TV tour, which means a flurry of interviews for several hours from a New York studio. Here’s what we’ve got coming on, with more to come:
WSFL-TV, Miami, FL 6:20 a.m. EST
WPMT-TV, Harrisburg, PA 7:10 a.m.
KCEN-TV, Waco, TX 7:20 a.m.
WHAM-TV, Rochester, NY 8:15 a.m.
WJXT-TV, Jacksonville, FL 8:30 a.m.
BEEBE Network, KKVI FM 9:00 a.m.
Early mornings will be a challenge for me, as many of you know. But this week, I’m up for it! Thanks for checking us out, if you can.
The Proust Questionnaire
I’ve never answered this before, partly because I didn’t think I could ever come up with replies so profound and witty and deeply held that they could stand the test of time and that I wouldn’t want to constantly alter. I still don’t. But the beauty of the blog is that I can change them, and I likely will. (This fear of “setting in stone” makes it hard to write sometimes and is one of the same reasons I don’t have a tattoo; I never found a design I could live with for the rest of my life. Fortunately, I am less fearful of committing to people than tattoos or questionnaires.)
Here’s some background from Wikipedia, with the proviso that I have no idea if it’s been fact-checked:
“The Proust Questionnaire 
is a questionnaire about one’s personality. Its name and modern popularity as a form of interview is owed to the responses given by the French writer Marcel Proust. At the end of the nineteenth century, when Proust was still in his teens, he answered a questionnaire in an English-language confession album belonging to his friend Antoinette, daughter of future French President Félix Faure, entitled ‘An Album to Record Thoughts, Feelings, etc. 
At that time, it was a fad among English families to answer such a list of questions that revealed the tastes and aspirations of the taker. Proust answered the questionnaire several times in his life, always with enthusiasm. The original manuscript of his answers of 1890, at the time of his volunteer internship or some little time afterwards, titled ‘by Marcel Proust himself,’ was found in 1924. It was auctioned on May 27, 2003 for the sum of €102,000.”
And here we go…..
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being with my family, happy at home or exploring the great outdoors.
What is your current state of mind?
Overwhelmed and grateful.
What is your greatest fear?
Losing someone I love. Or being lost to them.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Impatience, impatience, impatience.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Mean-spiritedness. Lack of empathy.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Traveling in comfort when we’d be just as happy camping in a tent.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Productivity.
What is it that you most dislike?
Violence, disease, and poverty.
On what occasion do you lie?
To avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
What do you dislike most about your appearance?
That I don’t look to others how I picture myself.
What are the qualities you most like in a man?
Kindness, intelligence, integrity, humor, creativity, depth.
What are the qualities you most like in a woman?
Ditto.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
“What?”
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My big sweetheart. And my little sweetheart.
When and where were you happiest?
Just when I think I can’t be happier, I find I am.
Which talent would you most like to have?
To be able to sing.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
My daughter.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
One thing: My vision. Plus two things: Higher energy, lower anxiety.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
If dying is an “if,” then I’d prefer not to.
What is your most treasured possession?
Love letters from Mark and photos, but I am not attached to most objects.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Losing a child.
What is your most marked characteristic?
My laugh has been compared to a pig hunting for truffles.
What do you most value in your friends?
Honesty, trust, and acceptance.
Who are your favorite writers?
I can’t play favorites. Whoever wrote a book I didn’t want to finish.
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Curious George, at the moment
Who is your favorite heroine?
Jo in “Little Women”
Who are your heroes in real life?
Those who help others in need without being asked.
What is your motto?
If you do what you love, everything else follows.
What is your greatest regret?
That I didn’t find Mark earlier.
How would you like to die?
When I’m ready.
Celebrity Treatment for Non-Celebrities
Longtime Globe photographer Bill Brett, the nicest guy you’d ever want to meet and someone who’s seen it all, photographed us for the Party pages of Boston.com, which (to me) is truly hilarious:
And the next day we were photographed by Tracy Powell, a talented shooter and good friend, for SHE magazine in the UK. Take a gander:
All in two days’ work for three authors. Wild.
Book signing and more….
Our first book signing took place April 5, with all 200 books sold out in a couple of hours. Quite remarkable, and remarkably humbling.
And as if that wasn’t enough, here comes Howard Blue of memoirreviews.blogpost.com with his thoughtful and lovely review of the book. Blue, with a daughter of his own, said our book was akin to a mystery. “But this time,” he writes, “the mystery is not who done it — but who (as in which guy) will [get the woman pregnant]? And who will stick around?” Read more at http://memoirreviews.blogspot.com/
My Crazy First-Time Author Moment
Okay, I’ve officially had my Crazy Author moment. Never again.
Even though the book release date is April 6, friends told me they had received their copies through Amazon, and a few had already read it. Some began spotting our memoir in stores, chain and independent, and reports were coming in about where it was placed: Biography. Self-help. “Is that where it should be?” they asked. “Will people be able to find it?” others worried. “Should I talk to the store owner?” offered one friend.
I ventured out to a local bookstore after dinner last night to see for myself. No sign of “Three Wishes” in the window. No copy on the front table or the bestseller rack (you can already see where this is heading: Nowhere good. The book wasn’t even officially out yet!) or New Non-Fiction.
What the &*^&$? I thought to myself.
I took the escalator upstairs and checked every possible category I passed. Women’s Health? Nope. Spirituality? Nope. Nutrition? Not a chance. Around the corner, around another corner. And there it was, one aisle away from a dozen people lounging in armchairs and sitting at tables with coffee and laptops: “Three Wishes,” facing out to greet eager potential readers. There we were in Wellington boots, on a set of swings, Carey, Beth, and the top of my head. In the New Biography stacks. Right next to Elizabeth Gilbert’s (of Eat, Pray, Love fame) latest book “Committed.”
It looked pretty. But my first thought was, looking at our book then Gilbert’s and back again, Is this merchandising magic, or madness?
I’m no marketing genius so I couldn’t answer that, but I am fairly certain that I kind of flipped out. It felt simultaneously like horrible product placement (I mean, biography is where I thought people went to read real stories about historical figures and World War II or fake stories about celebrities) and like brilliant product placement. I mean, there we were, next to one of the biggest bestselling authors in our true genre: Non-fluffy chick lit memoir. But there’s no aisle for that.
One part of me wanted to shriek with promotional glee — apparently the same part that took a photo of the two books side-by-side with my iPhone 
and wound up sneaking two copies of “Three Wishes” onto the front table downstairs and another one onto the Customer Recommendations shelf. One book at a time. (This is where the Crazy emerges.)
Another part of me, the private part that somehow managed to expose my life and the life of my family in a mainstream hardcover book, wished I wore a wig, hat, and sunglasses even though you’d have to look at the author photo on the inside jacket flap to have a shot at recognizing me in person. (This is where the Crazy comes home to roost.)
It was a completely surreal experience. I sent an obnoxious message to our publicist asking about the placement. This is the weekend, remember. And she is a fantastic publicist. And an incredibly sweet woman. I then copied the photo to close friends, who were nothing but happy for me and ready to celebrate. And then I went home, told Mark what I had done, felt immediate shame and realized I had gone temporarily insane. How fitting that my book was next to “Committed.”
Because, honestly, since when did writing a book become for me about obsessing over whether that book is sold on Table A or Shelf B or Counter C? I wrote it with two close friends to tell a story. Period. It got published, and for that I should be happy and eternally grateful. And for an embarrassing and humiliating second — well, let’s say half-an-hour on a Friday evening — it became about something else. About feeling vulnerable and arrogant and out-of-control all at once when I saw a book containing my story, my intimate real life story, was for sale, and anyone could buy it.
The good thing, I realized just in the nick of time, is that I am in charge of at least one thing: My dignity and perspective at a joyful and humbling time. True, people can buy and own the book. But, regardless of what happens from here on out, no one owns me and my life but me.
